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As The Years Go By

We are coming up on our tenth year without Kai. April 6, 2013, the day he passed away. April 11, 2013, the day we buried him. Those two dates stand alone in my mind, always. As life moves along and we experience changes, I always think about Kai missing them. My 55th birthday, his dad’s 50th birthday, the arrival of my first grandchild. I remember being sad trading in the vehicles we had when he was alive. Getting rid of the things he touched is always so hard. Saying goodbye to my car as I rub the spot on the shifter he picked the coating off, knowing he touched it. Saying goodbye to my husband’s pickup staring at the mirror he crunched. Getting a midlife crisis car, an older convertible, knowing he would have wanted to constantly borrow it.

And as the years click by there are more and more members of the “Grieving Mother’s Club”. Yes, it has gotten easier as time has gone by just like they say. We still talk about him every day. I remember his handsome face and how pretty his hands were. Long fingers and perfectly shaped, funny how his hands are my stand-out memory of him. Lots and lots of memories with him many good and many bad ones too. He struggled so much as I have said.

It has been such a long time since I have posted in this blog. Not because I haven’t wanted too. Life does seem to take over though. I still flash back to that sad day, randomly too. Since I am the one who found Kai my memory of that day is so much harder to work thru. I can recite exactly what happened to the exact, I have forgotten nothing, nor have I blanked out any event of that day like many people in the same circumstance have done. I even wish I had held onto him for a bit longer than I did when I found him. They took him away from me to quickly, I understand they needed to. I still can’t believe I thought to make the phone calls that I knew I needed to, with social media I didn’t want friends and family to find out that way and bad news travels the fastest.

Hubby and I have had some trying times, but we are still sticking together. We just celebrated 25 years married. Another milestone Kai has missed, but I like to think he was actually there. He missed his best friend’s wedding, and she had a wonderful memorial to him at her wedding, he would have certainly been her brides’ man of honor. All his friends and classmates are getting married and having children, moving along with their lives as they should.

My hope is this blog can help a struggling parent heal. Especially if their loss is the same as mine. Losing a child in any manner at any age is not what a parent has in mind for their family. In these times we just want to raise our children to be independent, strong, healthy, and free of any harm. If parents can achieve all of these in raising their children, you have done a wonderful thing by your family. However, there are those of us who struggle just to get thru the day with a difficult child. ADD, ADHD, ODD and mental problems are real, and these can cause so much pain in a family. Having a suicidal child is so hard because you face the struggle of trying to keep them alive every day. For me I knew it was going to happen, he struggled with everyday life to much, I just didn’t know when or how but I knew.

Till next time.

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Year Seven

2020 Kai would have turned 25 years old on May 14 as his aunt would have turned 50 on the same day. This is our seventh year without him. I think about what would be if he were still here, college, marriage, children, all things that should be. There have been many women added to the grieving mothers club since I became one.

Seven years, unbelievable to us. Yes time has definitely made it easier to face each day without our son. He is here with us everyday though, pictures, my Kai bear, little reminders of him in each room of the house, even our vehicles. I still have triggers that rush back of that day, small silly things that bring it rushing back, I have learned to chase the clouds away when it happens thank heavens for therapy that gave me these tools. The mornings were the hardest for a long time as it was morning when I found him.

We are so thankful for our family and friends to this day. We couldn’t imagine trying to move on without them. Hubby and I have changed so much in the past years, all for the better I think. Many couples do not survive such a tragedy and loss, we are very determined people for sure. We have struggles for sure, fought the good fight as any couple does, but the care, love, and concern we have for each other prevails.

It has been so long since I last blogged due to the fact that I was thinking I was leading up to having to talk about the day I found my son. Then in the recent passing of one of Kais pallbearers brought to light how much more I can talk about. All I want to do is try to help any grieving mother or family that may have experiences like we did. When you have questions or struggles and don’t know what to do, that’s what I want to be there for. I don’t have the answers for sure, but I do have the experiences of the struggles of a sad and suicidal teenager.

So here we go, on to year eight.

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A Sad Year For My Village

As for the year 2020, what a bummer year it was. Our village added two more to the “Grieving mothers club”. And I’m sure many more world wide that have been added to the club due to the pandemic.

One of our friends that was there for us through Kai’s passing lost their daughter in a tragic ATV accident in another state. It was so sad to know they had to travel to another state to retrieve their daughter. At least her mother got to say good bye to her. I feel the pain all over again when I know of another mother that has to bury her child. Just not how it is supposed to be. Our friends daughter I can guarantee is one of the most beautiful angels in heaven, she was so beautiful here on earth.

Just a week before Christmas one of the young men that was a pallbearer for my son took his own life. This one hurt me so much. He was married but had no children. He and his wife were very close to my son. I had to rush to his mothers side to hold her and cry with her. Since this is our 7th year without Kai the flashbacks have eased, especially in the mornings. I was scared this would bring them back full force again. I don’t think I could have handled those again. But just like Kai always said, “you will heal and move on when I’m gone mom”, little shit, don’t want him to be right. I remember how long the days and longer the nights were the days right after Kais passing. At that time I couldn’t even fathom the idea of one year from that time much less now looking at our 7th year. Yes time does heal, but you have to get through the first few days, weeks, months, then the years.

Kais friends wife, mama, sister, and other family are in so much pain right now and having it be this close to Christmas, a time that should be full of happiness and joy. When I was with them and they kept asking why, I knew exactly why. He was in so much pain this was the only thing he knew would stop it. Kai told me this endlessly. Then the guilt sets in, they will blame themselves because they couldn’t save him, I know this personally, it’s hard to keep myself from gong there. I always thought Kais passing was my punishment for things I did in my past. I blamed myself because I failed at convincing him I loved him so much I didn’t want to live without him. I blamed myself for not getting out of bed this one time to see what he was up to, instead just thinking he was getting a snack or something. I blame myself for not having the booze locked up in the garage fridge as I usually did, I can seriously keep going. See how the blaming yourself changes nothing? It will only cause yourself more pain to try to heal from. When Kai took his life, he didn’t want to hurt me or his family, he wanted the misery in his head to stop, he wanted to stop the voices, the bad decisions, his miserable existence he felt he was living on this planet.

It has been a very long time since I wrote in y blog. I felt I was leading up to writing about that fateful day. After Kais friends passing, I have decided there are so many other things I can write about than that day.

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May 14

Wow, it’s May 14th all of a sudden. Spring is here, and I made it through another mothers day without Kai. He was born on mothers day. But this particular May 14th was just a super nice day. Just like any other Tuesday, I woke up, did my morning routine, went to work, just like any other day. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then I woke up the next day.

May 14th, Kais birthday.

It didn’t even cross my mind it was his birthday. I was so depressed to realize I forgot how important that day was. It wasn’t just any other day. I can’t believe it only took 6 years for me to forget about his birthday. I will never forgive myself. If I hadn’t seen my husbands facebook post about it I may never have realized what I missed. Yes I am beating myself up a bit, but who forgets their childs birthday?

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6 Years

April 6 2013. That day has been and will always be the worst day of my life. I couldn’t imagine surviving that day much less 6 years. Kai always said to me “You will be fine without me, Mom. You will be sad at first and then you will heal with time.” Can you imagine having your child tell you that right after telling you they just want to die so the pain will stop, I can’t say how many times he would say that to me. That is why I knew I would bury my son at some point in time. During his lows it was torcher, trying to convince him how much I loved him and didn’t want to live a life without him. Was I being selfish? Heck yeah. I tried every angle I had to keep him. But he just didn’t want to stay.

On that awful day when I was looking for him all around the house, I just knew. I knew exactly what I was looking for, my heart beating out of my chest in panic. As I walk around the outside of the house I was actually looking up at the upstairs windows to see if he was hanging out one of them. I went to the shop to see if he was hanging from the balcony. The garage was my last stop.

My husband offered to tear down the garage and build a new one, or change anything about it so I could bear to be in or around it. He even offered to sell the house and move. The car can’t be backed into the garage to this day. I can’t handle anything that gives me flashbacks, it can even be the silliest things too, stuff that people wouldn’t even notice like Halloween costumes left hanging from a nail that dangled way to perfectly for me to handle. Actually, the thought of tearing down the garage gave me anxiety, the last place I held my son gone forever. Selling the house and leaving the place where his room is, even though it has been completely re-done, was never going to happen either. I still have his little pickup and I drive it around as does his sister. I let a friends daughter drive it around to learn to drive a standard transmission, it gives my heart so much joy to see it pull up front of the house or see it go down the road. He loved that thing.

When a change happened in our lives I feel awful that Kai isn’t here to witness them with us. From buying a new car to changing the paint color in the house. I miss him so much.

6 years without my little boy. Yes Kai, I have gone on but I am not fine.

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How We Cope Now

So how do Hubby and I cope with the loss of Kai? We never stop talking about him number one. He is mentioned at least once every day. Weather we are talking about something he did or liked or just saying his name. We still own his little pickup and drive it every now and then. We don’t need it by any means but it will stay in the family forever. I kept his room intact for the first two years so I could sit in there and cry or just sit. Then, I finally decided after noticing the dust and cobwebs it was time to let the room go. It went from black and gray walls to white and peach. He would have hated the colors, but hey, he left me so it’s peach. Right next to his room though, is his graduation picture in poster size, his skate board, and a suitcase full of everything from his funeral that he is sitting on in his graduation picture. It’s a neat set up and I enjoy looking at it.

Hubby and I “adopted” countless friends’ children practically as our own. They are all so gracious to share their babies and grandbabies with us. We they are all welcome to hang out at our home any time. And they do which makes us so happy. To hear laughter come from the TV room in the basement fills my heart with so much joy. Or they just hang out with us at the dining table and visit. The fact they are all so comfortable being here they will raid the fridge or spend the night keeps us going every day. Two particular girls that we were made God Parents to (not officially) but I am their Fairy Godmother and Hubby is Theeeee Godfather.  We love these girls as if they are our own and love every minute they spend with us. They drag all their friends here to hang out and have fun. These are some of the things that keep us going.

Of course, thank God I have Sunshine and Princess! They have both been hit real hard by the loss of Kai. Princess’s hubby has struggles also. Princess and her Prince were the first to arrive when I found Kai. Sunshine was away at college so it had been a while since she had seen Kai.These girls are my glue to this world, no doubt, I keep going for them and hubby. I feel they need me as their mom and I love them both so much. Princess and I had many months after Kai of sitting and having morning coffee and tears. Sunshine went back to college afterwards then moved back to our little village. The village is just a pit stop in her life plan to travel and work abroad. For a couple of years she worked at a mental health facility and she actually liked the job and what she was doing for people. Sunshine experienced so much of the pain many of them were struggling with, however, she had to end that chapter and start a new one. I’m so grateful Sunshine and Princess will allow me to be mom and ask my advice or listen to my unsolicited advice. One will tell me she knows what she’s doing so don’t worry about it and the other pretends to take my unsolicited advice as the gospel and moves on.  I love and live for these two.

I feel sad for anyone who has lost someone so dear to them and do not have a support system. I rely on so many people to keep me together. I feel so loved by them all, I am grateful Hubby and I managed to stay together through all this. Therapy changed it all for me, I started out pretty angry after Kai, so therapy changed everything for me. So, how do we cope? By surrounding ourselves with the people we love and that love us in return. Thank God for each and every single one of them. The hole Kai left in my heart is still there but it’s surrounded by loved ones.

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My Village

There is an old saying “It takes a village to raise a child”. I have a pretty darn good village. In my village we had the police, the prosecuting attorney, high school principal, and many close friends try to help us out with Kai. I’m not sure what others thought as we tried to figure out what was going on with Kai but I’m going to guess they thought of him as spoiled and just a rotten kid. Hubby and I tried all kinds of different ways to deal with Kai. Tough love, had him arrested twice, spent time in juvenile detention. committed him to spend time in a mental hospital for teens, big waste of time and $50,000.00. It is mind boggling how expensive a two week psych stay costs! 

He was failing miserably at school. We were just praying he graduated, if he didn’t graduate what would he do then? The school principal and counselor spent countless hours trying to get Kai through school. I remember one morning Kai refused to go to school. There was no convincing him to go so I texted the principal and here he comes to the house to drag the boy by his shirt collar to school. God Kai hated school. Not just because he struggled with education but he claimed he was bullied at school. I’m not going to deny that probably happened but he had so many friends and was never considered a loner at school. Being called a fag (according to Kai) by upperclassmen really upset me, just because he wasn’t a “redneck” and liked skinny jeans and did fun stuff with his hair. Kai definitely marched to his own tune. All the kids in his class were great to him and he never lacked the company of the girls. Kai preferred to hang out with his friends that were not in school, older kids. Hubby always made it clear to these older friends we would not tolerate them giving him booze, cigarettes, or drugs and if we found out about it we would not hesitate to come down hard on them.

I’m just going to guess, but I feel my village had a big realization that our struggles were real and that they had no idea how truly troubled and inpain Kai was. There was pain and anger in our home 24/7. If we had just one dayof nothing bad or emotional happen it was such a relief. Most days I woke upwith the attitude of “what will it be today”? I still have insomnia to this day. I could never sleep very good knowing he would sneak out or have a bad texting session with a friend or girlfriend and try to hurt himself. If I heard him come down the stairs I would get up to see what he was up to. Never could trust the boy. Well the night of April 5th when I heard him comedown the stairs I made the bad decision to let him be because he was just getting a drink of water or a snack. No, he came down stairs to end his life.The one time I decided to let him be. I will always punish myself for that. But he had such a good day that Friday I just knew he was fine and happy. But instead he was having a texting fight with a girl so he decided to go to the garage and get into the booze in the freezer. The freezer that we normally had locked up, but not this time. Nope, not this time.

Anyway, for me, knowing that I would bury my son one day, my village had a “wow”,“no way”, “I can’t believe it”, or “oh my God” moment on the day he died. All judgments and decisions about Kai all went away because they really had no idea what was going on. Our family and close friends knew more, but not nearly as much as I knew. Hubby was even kept in the dark about a lot of things Kai and I had been through. I felt if I kept all those burdens hubby would be in a better place, he struggled with Kai so much. So our village rallied to do what they could to be there for us. Even the most judgmental of them. I forgave all bad thoughts and feelings of those that just had no idea what was truly happening. But since I’m talking about it it’s obvious it affected me in some way. I still love my village and am very grateful for all it had done for me, and still does for me and my family, people have moved on but they haven’t forgotten.

On the anniversary of his passing everyone still remembers and will always send their prayers our way. I miss him, I miss him so much.

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The New Normal

I remember in the days after Kai passed exactly how I felt. Even though it has been 5 years. Back in the first months I would go to a store and see random people I didn’t know and feeling like yelling why are you people so happy or smiling?! My son is dead!! The “How are you?” questions people always randomly say, bleh, really? Can’t you see how miserable and unhappy I am? My son is dead!! For crying out loud people! Get with the program! I am the mother who’s son died of a disease called suicide, why can’t people just quit being happy and going on with their lives like nothing ever happened. Everyone gets to move on, their days haven’t changed, they still have all their children. I hate them all.

I was sad and angry at happy families with their children doing great in life. I hated seeing my sons class mates graduate and go to college. Then they went on to get married and starting families! Well crap, I will never get to meet the grandchildren Kai would have given me. So many things that I will miss out on because he isn’t here any more. 

Now that time has passed I’m not quite as angry as I used to be or as jealous. Now I think of all the things he’s missing out on, the things that we miss having him here for. His sisters mile stone birthdays, my 50th birthday, future nieces and nephews will never have known Kai. Every time something exciting happens or a big change occurs or even something as simple as buying a new car, I think about how sad it is that he isn’t here for it. He never got to see the basement remodel finished, he would have been in heaven as to how it turned out, he practically lived in our basement. He called it the Death Star, so I dedicated many of the décor items to star wars and to him. Even just changing the paint color of my living room I wonder what Kai would have thought about it. I guess it means he will always be on my mind. Although, I do know one thing for sure, if he were to see the peach color I painted his bedroom in, I think his head would have exploded. But that’s what he gets for leaving me, I got to do what ever I wanted with that room.

I have come to peace with my new normal. I fought hard not to accept it, but here it is. Glad I’m not as angry as I used to be. Very happy hubby and I made it through as many couples that experience this don’t. My daughters are continuing on with their lives and doing well. We talk about Kai all the time, reference something he said or did, mention how Kai would have hated that or that would have been right up Kais alley. We keep him alive in our hearts by always talking about him. Our new normal.

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Why?

This could not be a more appropriate question right now. Why? Why Kai? I asked him this almost every day in the last years. Why are you so sad? Why are you so hateful? Why do you want to die? Why, why, why? I really could go on and on. 

Kai, I think, really hated being in this life. He was absolutely miserable. Mostly because of his ODD. He didn’t want to abide by any rules or adult supervision. He wanted to pierce his lip, no, him and a friend did it anyway. Things didn’t work out so well and it lasted an hour or so. He smoked weed to self medicate, no, did it anyway, had cops search his rig and bedroom for all kinds of stuff, never found anything, sneaky little bugger. If we said no, he went and lied or did what ever it took to do it anyway. He was always willing to suffer the consequences rather than ask permission or do the right thing. Kai only knew what he wanted at that very moment in time and did just that. This resulted in us fighting all the time and making him and us miserable.

Kai struggled through school. We had him tested as a Senior and he had the math skills of a 6th grader. Shame on us!! I felt like the worst parent, he really struggled with math comprehension. Lucky for us we are a small enough of a school he could get the special attention of certain school officials to help him get graduated. Our school principal and guidance councilor were especially helpful. They were there for many of our ups and downs, mostly downs. They say it takes a village to raise a family, we had an amazing village. When Kai passed we had so much love and support it blew us away. 

“You will be fine mom,” “Everything will be better after a while mom.” I will always repeat him saying this to me. It would hit me so hard, as I begged him to stop saying he wants to die. I haven’t mentioned how many attempts he made to end his life. Four. Why? Because he was so unhappy and miserable and in his mental state he couldn’t see any other way out of his misery than to end his life. That’s why.

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I am a survivor!

I have always thought of myself as a survivor of my life choices. I think most people can look back and think “wow, I can’t believe I survived my childhood and teenage years!” Mostly due to the fact that we made some pretty daring and stupid choices. I think the choices were mainly due to being bored and lack of brains. But of course back then I had the world by the tail and I knew exactly what I was doing the whole time and no one could tell my I was wrong, oh heck no. 

When Kai passed away I completely blamed myself for years. I was being punished for all the bad things I did in my life. I really did feel that way. And it took quite a while with my therapist to convince me otherwise. I still have the tiniest feelings tucked way back in my storage shed that I dig out, blow off the dust, and tell myself if I was a better person this wouldn’t have happened. Then I put the lid back on and tuck it away again. You know, the “if I would haves” and the “I should haves” haunt me every now and then. I know, that changes nothing. I just recently read something that really made me think and I wish I could remember where I read it but it made me realize, wow, that is so true! “There is a reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big. Things in the past are so small and insignificant and the future is huge and vast and waiting for you, just keep going forward.” 

I envy those that have faith in God and that all things are for a reason. I’m not a religious person at all but I like the idea that my son is in heaven with his aunt and all the others I love that are gone, they are surrounding him and looking down on his family and protecting us. I like the idea there is a higher power that people look to for guidance and help and that it hopefully helps people make good decisions or go the right direction. No matter what label you put on that higher power, Catholic, Buddhism, Nazarene, or Mother Nature, if it makes people be good people I think it’s great. 

Kai was right, I am healing, I am moving on, and I am doing OK. I don’t want to be, but I am. Like I said before, I never wanted to quit crying over my loss and never wanted the awful feeling in my gut to go away because that meant exactly that, the new normal was happening and I didn’t want to accept it. I will revisit my grief once in a while, on purpose or by accident it floats back to me, I cry, then I pack it away and move on with my new normal. We just had our first family pictures done that won’t have Kai in them. I thought I was ready for it after 5 years but nope, I had to get a good cry out first then I threw my shoulders back and grabbed some tissues and put on my best smile for the new normal family pictures. 

I survived. I survived the day of his passing, I survived his funeral I survived his graduation without him, I survived the last 5 years without him, and I will survive the next years without him. Damn you Kai I don’t want to be a survivor! And I hate my new normal. But worst of all I don’t want you to be right.

But I’m a survivor.