As for the year 2020, what a bummer year it was. Our village added two more to the “Grieving mothers club”. And I’m sure many more world wide that have been added to the club due to the pandemic.
One of our friends that was there for us through Kai’s passing lost their daughter in a tragic ATV accident in another state. It was so sad to know they had to travel to another state to retrieve their daughter. At least her mother got to say good bye to her. I feel the pain all over again when I know of another mother that has to bury her child. Just not how it is supposed to be. Our friends daughter I can guarantee is one of the most beautiful angels in heaven, she was so beautiful here on earth.
Just a week before Christmas one of the young men that was a pallbearer for my son took his own life. This one hurt me so much. He was married but had no children. He and his wife were very close to my son. I had to rush to his mothers side to hold her and cry with her. Since this is our 7th year without Kai the flashbacks have eased, especially in the mornings. I was scared this would bring them back full force again. I don’t think I could have handled those again. But just like Kai always said, “you will heal and move on when I’m gone mom”, little shit, don’t want him to be right. I remember how long the days and longer the nights were the days right after Kais passing. At that time I couldn’t even fathom the idea of one year from that time much less now looking at our 7th year. Yes time does heal, but you have to get through the first few days, weeks, months, then the years.
Kais friends wife, mama, sister, and other family are in so much pain right now and having it be this close to Christmas, a time that should be full of happiness and joy. When I was with them and they kept asking why, I knew exactly why. He was in so much pain this was the only thing he knew would stop it. Kai told me this endlessly. Then the guilt sets in, they will blame themselves because they couldn’t save him, I know this personally, it’s hard to keep myself from gong there. I always thought Kais passing was my punishment for things I did in my past. I blamed myself because I failed at convincing him I loved him so much I didn’t want to live without him. I blamed myself for not getting out of bed this one time to see what he was up to, instead just thinking he was getting a snack or something. I blame myself for not having the booze locked up in the garage fridge as I usually did, I can seriously keep going. See how the blaming yourself changes nothing? It will only cause yourself more pain to try to heal from. When Kai took his life, he didn’t want to hurt me or his family, he wanted the misery in his head to stop, he wanted to stop the voices, the bad decisions, his miserable existence he felt he was living on this planet.
It has been a very long time since I wrote in y blog. I felt I was leading up to writing about that fateful day. After Kais friends passing, I have decided there are so many other things I can write about than that day.