We are coming up on our tenth year without Kai. April 6, 2013, the day he passed away. April 11, 2013, the day we buried him. Those two dates stand alone in my mind, always. As life moves along and we experience changes, I always think about Kai missing them. My 55th birthday, his dad’s 50th birthday, the arrival of my first grandchild. I remember being sad trading in the vehicles we had when he was alive. Getting rid of the things he touched is always so hard. Saying goodbye to my car as I rub the spot on the shifter he picked the coating off, knowing he touched it. Saying goodbye to my husband’s pickup staring at the mirror he crunched. Getting a midlife crisis car, an older convertible, knowing he would have wanted to constantly borrow it.
And as the years click by there are more and more members of the “Grieving Mother’s Club”. Yes, it has gotten easier as time has gone by just like they say. We still talk about him every day. I remember his handsome face and how pretty his hands were. Long fingers and perfectly shaped, funny how his hands are my stand-out memory of him. Lots and lots of memories with him many good and many bad ones too. He struggled so much as I have said.
It has been such a long time since I have posted in this blog. Not because I haven’t wanted too. Life does seem to take over though. I still flash back to that sad day, randomly too. Since I am the one who found Kai my memory of that day is so much harder to work thru. I can recite exactly what happened to the exact, I have forgotten nothing, nor have I blanked out any event of that day like many people in the same circumstance have done. I even wish I had held onto him for a bit longer than I did when I found him. They took him away from me to quickly, I understand they needed to. I still can’t believe I thought to make the phone calls that I knew I needed to, with social media I didn’t want friends and family to find out that way and bad news travels the fastest.
Hubby and I have had some trying times, but we are still sticking together. We just celebrated 25 years married. Another milestone Kai has missed, but I like to think he was actually there. He missed his best friend’s wedding, and she had a wonderful memorial to him at her wedding, he would have certainly been her brides’ man of honor. All his friends and classmates are getting married and having children, moving along with their lives as they should.
My hope is this blog can help a struggling parent heal. Especially if their loss is the same as mine. Losing a child in any manner at any age is not what a parent has in mind for their family. In these times we just want to raise our children to be independent, strong, healthy, and free of any harm. If parents can achieve all of these in raising their children, you have done a wonderful thing by your family. However, there are those of us who struggle just to get thru the day with a difficult child. ADD, ADHD, ODD and mental problems are real, and these can cause so much pain in a family. Having a suicidal child is so hard because you face the struggle of trying to keep them alive every day. For me I knew it was going to happen, he struggled with everyday life to much, I just didn’t know when or how but I knew.
Till next time.