I remember in the days after Kai passed exactly how I felt. Even though it has been 5 years. Back in the first months I would go to a store and see random people I didn’t know and feeling like yelling why are you people so happy or smiling?! My son is dead!! The “How are you?” questions people always randomly say, bleh, really? Can’t you see how miserable and unhappy I am? My son is dead!! For crying out loud people! Get with the program! I am the mother who’s son died of a disease called suicide, why can’t people just quit being happy and going on with their lives like nothing ever happened. Everyone gets to move on, their days haven’t changed, they still have all their children. I hate them all.
I was sad and angry at happy families with their children doing great in life. I hated seeing my sons class mates graduate and go to college. Then they went on to get married and starting families! Well crap, I will never get to meet the grandchildren Kai would have given me. So many things that I will miss out on because he isn’t here any more.
Now that time has passed I’m not quite as angry as I used to be or as jealous. Now I think of all the things he’s missing out on, the things that we miss having him here for. His sisters mile stone birthdays, my 50th birthday, future nieces and nephews will never have known Kai. Every time something exciting happens or a big change occurs or even something as simple as buying a new car, I think about how sad it is that he isn’t here for it. He never got to see the basement remodel finished, he would have been in heaven as to how it turned out, he practically lived in our basement. He called it the Death Star, so I dedicated many of the décor items to star wars and to him. Even just changing the paint color of my living room I wonder what Kai would have thought about it. I guess it means he will always be on my mind. Although, I do know one thing for sure, if he were to see the peach color I painted his bedroom in, I think his head would have exploded. But that’s what he gets for leaving me, I got to do what ever I wanted with that room.
I have come to peace with my new normal. I fought hard not to accept it, but here it is. Glad I’m not as angry as I used to be. Very happy hubby and I made it through as many couples that experience this don’t. My daughters are continuing on with their lives and doing well. We talk about Kai all the time, reference something he said or did, mention how Kai would have hated that or that would have been right up Kais alley. We keep him alive in our hearts by always talking about him. Our new normal.