Tag: kai

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6 Years

April 6 2013. That day has been and will always be the worst day of my life. I couldn’t imagine surviving that day much less 6 years. Kai always said to me “You will be fine without me, Mom. You will be sad at first and then you will heal with time.” Can you imagine having your child tell you that right after telling you they just want to die so the pain will stop, I can’t say how many times he would say that to me. That is why I knew I would bury my son at some point in time. During his lows it was torcher, trying to convince him how much I loved him and didn’t want to live a life without him. Was I being selfish? Heck yeah. I tried every angle I had to keep him. But he just didn’t want to stay.

On that awful day when I was looking for him all around the house, I just knew. I knew exactly what I was looking for, my heart beating out of my chest in panic. As I walk around the outside of the house I was actually looking up at the upstairs windows to see if he was hanging out one of them. I went to the shop to see if he was hanging from the balcony. The garage was my last stop.

My husband offered to tear down the garage and build a new one, or change anything about it so I could bear to be in or around it. He even offered to sell the house and move. The car can’t be backed into the garage to this day. I can’t handle anything that gives me flashbacks, it can even be the silliest things too, stuff that people wouldn’t even notice like Halloween costumes left hanging from a nail that dangled way to perfectly for me to handle. Actually, the thought of tearing down the garage gave me anxiety, the last place I held my son gone forever. Selling the house and leaving the place where his room is, even though it has been completely re-done, was never going to happen either. I still have his little pickup and I drive it around as does his sister. I let a friends daughter drive it around to learn to drive a standard transmission, it gives my heart so much joy to see it pull up front of the house or see it go down the road. He loved that thing.

When a change happened in our lives I feel awful that Kai isn’t here to witness them with us. From buying a new car to changing the paint color in the house. I miss him so much.

6 years without my little boy. Yes Kai, I have gone on but I am not fine.

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How We Cope Now

So how do Hubby and I cope with the loss of Kai? We never stop talking about him number one. He is mentioned at least once every day. Weather we are talking about something he did or liked or just saying his name. We still own his little pickup and drive it every now and then. We don’t need it by any means but it will stay in the family forever. I kept his room intact for the first two years so I could sit in there and cry or just sit. Then, I finally decided after noticing the dust and cobwebs it was time to let the room go. It went from black and gray walls to white and peach. He would have hated the colors, but hey, he left me so it’s peach. Right next to his room though, is his graduation picture in poster size, his skate board, and a suitcase full of everything from his funeral that he is sitting on in his graduation picture. It’s a neat set up and I enjoy looking at it.

Hubby and I “adopted” countless friends’ children practically as our own. They are all so gracious to share their babies and grandbabies with us. We they are all welcome to hang out at our home any time. And they do which makes us so happy. To hear laughter come from the TV room in the basement fills my heart with so much joy. Or they just hang out with us at the dining table and visit. The fact they are all so comfortable being here they will raid the fridge or spend the night keeps us going every day. Two particular girls that we were made God Parents to (not officially) but I am their Fairy Godmother and Hubby is Theeeee Godfather.  We love these girls as if they are our own and love every minute they spend with us. They drag all their friends here to hang out and have fun. These are some of the things that keep us going.

Of course, thank God I have Sunshine and Princess! They have both been hit real hard by the loss of Kai. Princess’s hubby has struggles also. Princess and her Prince were the first to arrive when I found Kai. Sunshine was away at college so it had been a while since she had seen Kai.These girls are my glue to this world, no doubt, I keep going for them and hubby. I feel they need me as their mom and I love them both so much. Princess and I had many months after Kai of sitting and having morning coffee and tears. Sunshine went back to college afterwards then moved back to our little village. The village is just a pit stop in her life plan to travel and work abroad. For a couple of years she worked at a mental health facility and she actually liked the job and what she was doing for people. Sunshine experienced so much of the pain many of them were struggling with, however, she had to end that chapter and start a new one. I’m so grateful Sunshine and Princess will allow me to be mom and ask my advice or listen to my unsolicited advice. One will tell me she knows what she’s doing so don’t worry about it and the other pretends to take my unsolicited advice as the gospel and moves on.  I love and live for these two.

I feel sad for anyone who has lost someone so dear to them and do not have a support system. I rely on so many people to keep me together. I feel so loved by them all, I am grateful Hubby and I managed to stay together through all this. Therapy changed it all for me, I started out pretty angry after Kai, so therapy changed everything for me. So, how do we cope? By surrounding ourselves with the people we love and that love us in return. Thank God for each and every single one of them. The hole Kai left in my heart is still there but it’s surrounded by loved ones.

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My Village

There is an old saying “It takes a village to raise a child”. I have a pretty darn good village. In my village we had the police, the prosecuting attorney, high school principal, and many close friends try to help us out with Kai. I’m not sure what others thought as we tried to figure out what was going on with Kai but I’m going to guess they thought of him as spoiled and just a rotten kid. Hubby and I tried all kinds of different ways to deal with Kai. Tough love, had him arrested twice, spent time in juvenile detention. committed him to spend time in a mental hospital for teens, big waste of time and $50,000.00. It is mind boggling how expensive a two week psych stay costs! 

He was failing miserably at school. We were just praying he graduated, if he didn’t graduate what would he do then? The school principal and counselor spent countless hours trying to get Kai through school. I remember one morning Kai refused to go to school. There was no convincing him to go so I texted the principal and here he comes to the house to drag the boy by his shirt collar to school. God Kai hated school. Not just because he struggled with education but he claimed he was bullied at school. I’m not going to deny that probably happened but he had so many friends and was never considered a loner at school. Being called a fag (according to Kai) by upperclassmen really upset me, just because he wasn’t a “redneck” and liked skinny jeans and did fun stuff with his hair. Kai definitely marched to his own tune. All the kids in his class were great to him and he never lacked the company of the girls. Kai preferred to hang out with his friends that were not in school, older kids. Hubby always made it clear to these older friends we would not tolerate them giving him booze, cigarettes, or drugs and if we found out about it we would not hesitate to come down hard on them.

I’m just going to guess, but I feel my village had a big realization that our struggles were real and that they had no idea how truly troubled and inpain Kai was. There was pain and anger in our home 24/7. If we had just one dayof nothing bad or emotional happen it was such a relief. Most days I woke upwith the attitude of “what will it be today”? I still have insomnia to this day. I could never sleep very good knowing he would sneak out or have a bad texting session with a friend or girlfriend and try to hurt himself. If I heard him come down the stairs I would get up to see what he was up to. Never could trust the boy. Well the night of April 5th when I heard him comedown the stairs I made the bad decision to let him be because he was just getting a drink of water or a snack. No, he came down stairs to end his life.The one time I decided to let him be. I will always punish myself for that. But he had such a good day that Friday I just knew he was fine and happy. But instead he was having a texting fight with a girl so he decided to go to the garage and get into the booze in the freezer. The freezer that we normally had locked up, but not this time. Nope, not this time.

Anyway, for me, knowing that I would bury my son one day, my village had a “wow”,“no way”, “I can’t believe it”, or “oh my God” moment on the day he died. All judgments and decisions about Kai all went away because they really had no idea what was going on. Our family and close friends knew more, but not nearly as much as I knew. Hubby was even kept in the dark about a lot of things Kai and I had been through. I felt if I kept all those burdens hubby would be in a better place, he struggled with Kai so much. So our village rallied to do what they could to be there for us. Even the most judgmental of them. I forgave all bad thoughts and feelings of those that just had no idea what was truly happening. But since I’m talking about it it’s obvious it affected me in some way. I still love my village and am very grateful for all it had done for me, and still does for me and my family, people have moved on but they haven’t forgotten.

On the anniversary of his passing everyone still remembers and will always send their prayers our way. I miss him, I miss him so much.

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The New Normal

I remember in the days after Kai passed exactly how I felt. Even though it has been 5 years. Back in the first months I would go to a store and see random people I didn’t know and feeling like yelling why are you people so happy or smiling?! My son is dead!! The “How are you?” questions people always randomly say, bleh, really? Can’t you see how miserable and unhappy I am? My son is dead!! For crying out loud people! Get with the program! I am the mother who’s son died of a disease called suicide, why can’t people just quit being happy and going on with their lives like nothing ever happened. Everyone gets to move on, their days haven’t changed, they still have all their children. I hate them all.

I was sad and angry at happy families with their children doing great in life. I hated seeing my sons class mates graduate and go to college. Then they went on to get married and starting families! Well crap, I will never get to meet the grandchildren Kai would have given me. So many things that I will miss out on because he isn’t here any more. 

Now that time has passed I’m not quite as angry as I used to be or as jealous. Now I think of all the things he’s missing out on, the things that we miss having him here for. His sisters mile stone birthdays, my 50th birthday, future nieces and nephews will never have known Kai. Every time something exciting happens or a big change occurs or even something as simple as buying a new car, I think about how sad it is that he isn’t here for it. He never got to see the basement remodel finished, he would have been in heaven as to how it turned out, he practically lived in our basement. He called it the Death Star, so I dedicated many of the décor items to star wars and to him. Even just changing the paint color of my living room I wonder what Kai would have thought about it. I guess it means he will always be on my mind. Although, I do know one thing for sure, if he were to see the peach color I painted his bedroom in, I think his head would have exploded. But that’s what he gets for leaving me, I got to do what ever I wanted with that room.

I have come to peace with my new normal. I fought hard not to accept it, but here it is. Glad I’m not as angry as I used to be. Very happy hubby and I made it through as many couples that experience this don’t. My daughters are continuing on with their lives and doing well. We talk about Kai all the time, reference something he said or did, mention how Kai would have hated that or that would have been right up Kais alley. We keep him alive in our hearts by always talking about him. Our new normal.

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Opposites Attract

I met my hubby when he was only 20 years old. I say only because I was 25, already been married and had a 2 year old. To me he was still experiencing life and I had already had so many life experiences by 25. I consider myself a “survivor of my life choices”. In my earlier years I was way better at making all the bad choices a girl could make rather than making good life choices. But dwelling on past decisions will change nothing, right? I tell myself that all night long as I lay sleepless in bed pondering all my life choices. Insomnia and I are the best of buddies, unfortunately both my children ended up with this awful trait of mine. The thing about my hubby at 20 is that he was an old soul. By this I mean he might have been only 20 but he acted like a 40 year old. Many times people were shocked to find out he was actually 10 years younger than they thought he was.

Hubby and I were about as opposite as you could get. I would spend he would save. He has goals I went by the set of my pants. He planned for the future I planned for the weekend. I said white he would say black. I’m a glass half full he says it’s full of piss. I like to be as positive about things as possible he days he’s a realist and can be a “Debbie downer” some times. I could go on and on about how opposite we are. And the big one was our parenting styles. I made him a father at the tender age of 22!! Way to young for him. As we have aged together and gone through the things we did with Kai, he would have been a more relaxed dad in his 30’s. I was the nurturer and the protector from all things bad with the kids and he was the screamer, lecturer, punisher, the kids are lazy, this is not how they should be, hard ass. But also loved and provided for all of us with his whole heart.

When it came to the struggles with Kai Hubby finally threw in the towel and said you deal with him I can’t handle it any more. This was due to the fact that I covered for Kai and tried to protect him from himself, his father, and the world. We both did what we felt Kai needed which was the opposite of each other. Rarely did we agree on how things should be handled when it came to the kids. This made it very hard to raise children together. I loved my husband so much and my children so much so that I ended up in the middle trying to make both parties happy. Can you imagine the misery I put myself in? Having two very different parenting styles and both refusing to agree on things it’s surprising we have survived being together for 26 years. We have definitely fought the good fight for all those years and managed to stay together after the loss of our son. We have grown to respect our differences and know where we stand with each other. He treats me like the queen that I am and I think I take pretty good care of him and spoil him pretty rotten these days. 

Even though our children butted heads with their father they truly respected him, especially “Sunshine” our 28 year old. They had it pretty rough trying to get along in her teen years. She and Hubby had a very love hate relationship back then. They loved each other very much but she was never going to be the kind of kid Hubby thought she should be. There was no mold she was ever going to fit in. I wanted her to be a girly girl with the makeup and hair and fashion, what I got, a little girl that played with dinosaurs and hated dolls. Hubby played sports and showed animals with 4-H and FFA all his school years. He was raised on a farm where sleeping in was no such thing and you were expected to get going with the day. Sunshine did a little sports to make him happy and very begrudgingly showed animals and despised every second of it. Mostly because they fought the entire time of taking care of the animals. Even Kai struggled with his father when it came to sports and showing animals. He also did some sports and showed the animals and guess what, there was fighting among them too. Then there would be me trying to be the referee, protect the babies, but yet appease the hubby. It never worked out very well for any of us. Although I did agree that the kids should be involved at school and the animal showing was my idea. We live in such a tiny town with the nearest larger community 35 miles away so we don’t have a lot to do around here. And my kids were pretty lazy and had no responsibilities, my own doing of course. I expected nothing from them at home I spoiled them. 

I have no idea what brought Hubby and I together, there were no stars and lightning etc. We just met and came together as a couple that really could have fun together, we really could. He is my very best friend and would do anything to keep me safe and happy. He put me and my emotions before his own since the day Kai passed. He is my rock. Many couples don’t survive the loss of a child so I consider us very lucky. Don’t worry, we still fight the good fight every now and then and we are till opposite (he still thinks the glass has piss in it) on many things but we have grown over the years to agree or see some things alike. That’s what growing old together is like, right? The big one we agree on is we both miss our son so much.