Tag: mother

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The New Normal

I remember in the days after Kai passed exactly how I felt. Even though it has been 5 years. Back in the first months I would go to a store and see random people I didn’t know and feeling like yelling why are you people so happy or smiling?! My son is dead!! The “How are you?” questions people always randomly say, bleh, really? Can’t you see how miserable and unhappy I am? My son is dead!! For crying out loud people! Get with the program! I am the mother who’s son died of a disease called suicide, why can’t people just quit being happy and going on with their lives like nothing ever happened. Everyone gets to move on, their days haven’t changed, they still have all their children. I hate them all.

I was sad and angry at happy families with their children doing great in life. I hated seeing my sons class mates graduate and go to college. Then they went on to get married and starting families! Well crap, I will never get to meet the grandchildren Kai would have given me. So many things that I will miss out on because he isn’t here any more. 

Now that time has passed I’m not quite as angry as I used to be or as jealous. Now I think of all the things he’s missing out on, the things that we miss having him here for. His sisters mile stone birthdays, my 50th birthday, future nieces and nephews will never have known Kai. Every time something exciting happens or a big change occurs or even something as simple as buying a new car, I think about how sad it is that he isn’t here for it. He never got to see the basement remodel finished, he would have been in heaven as to how it turned out, he practically lived in our basement. He called it the Death Star, so I dedicated many of the décor items to star wars and to him. Even just changing the paint color of my living room I wonder what Kai would have thought about it. I guess it means he will always be on my mind. Although, I do know one thing for sure, if he were to see the peach color I painted his bedroom in, I think his head would have exploded. But that’s what he gets for leaving me, I got to do what ever I wanted with that room.

I have come to peace with my new normal. I fought hard not to accept it, but here it is. Glad I’m not as angry as I used to be. Very happy hubby and I made it through as many couples that experience this don’t. My daughters are continuing on with their lives and doing well. We talk about Kai all the time, reference something he said or did, mention how Kai would have hated that or that would have been right up Kais alley. We keep him alive in our hearts by always talking about him. Our new normal.

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THIS IS ME

This is my very first post in my very first blog. Why did I decide to start a blog? After five years of the tragic passing of my 17 year old son Kai, I find myself still grieving and missing him so much. I know there, unfortunately, are so many out there having the same feelings as myself. I decided to share my story and my sadness of this “new normal” in my life as my own way of trying to heal. 

This is me, a 51 year old married mother of three. Our oldest is a 31 year old Princess that we took into our family when she was 17 years old. Not officially adopted but she is definitely ours. Even though I didn’t give birth to her she and I are so much alike it’s scary. My second is my actual first born and the complete opposite of my Princess. Tattoos galore and a septum piercing (thank god that’s it) and has more talent in her left pinky thank I have in my whole body. Sings like an angel, plays piano, can draw like, wow, wrote a book, and loves to shoot her guns. She is my Sunshine. Then there was my baby boy, Kai. Born 5 years after Sunshine when I as 28 years old. My husband and I were not married yet so he was definitely a surprise.

My son my challenge. All we ever want when we have our babies is for them to be happy and healthy. To raise them to be amazing human beings that go forth and conquer the world. Kai was determined to challenge every inch of my desire for the happy child. He had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). In the last three years of his life I knew I would bury my son. I didn’t know when, I just knew that was my future. “I really, really just don’t want to be here any more, mom!” he would say to me over and over. He was so unhappy in his skin, no matter what I said he simply wanted to die. He did try in his best way he knew how to be happy but by the end of the day he was miserable. It still breaks my heart to this day that no matter what I said to him or did for him he was still so unhappy.

I plan to write about my troubled journey with Kai and all the heart ache he and I suffered together along with our family and friends. Kai would always tell me I would eventually be fine once he was gone, that I would heal and move on. I don’t feel near the pain I did five years ago, but I still have pain. I miss so much, I think about what I’m missing out on if he were still alive. We have found our “new normal” since his passing but the hole in my heart will never heal. Maybe I will find others that have suffered as I have or are suffering right now. Perhaps there is a mom out there that is as lost as I was with a child that wants to die or has the same troubles Kai did. Welcome to my life.

This is me.