The New Normal

I remember in the days after Kai passed exactly how I felt. Even though it has been 5 years. Back in the first months I would go to a store and see random people I didn’t know and feeling like yelling why are you people so happy or smiling?! My son is dead!! The “How are you?” questions people always randomly say, bleh, really? Can’t you see how miserable and unhappy I am? My son is dead!! For crying out loud people! Get with the program! I am the mother who’s son died of a disease called suicide, why can’t people just quit being happy and going on with their lives like nothing ever happened. Everyone gets to move on, their days haven’t changed, they still have all their children. I hate them all.

I was sad and angry at happy families with their children doing great in life. I hated seeing my sons class mates graduate and go to college. Then they went on to get married and starting families! Well crap, I will never get to meet the grandchildren Kai would have given me. So many things that I will miss out on because he isn’t here any more. 

Now that time has passed I’m not quite as angry as I used to be or as jealous. Now I think of all the things he’s missing out on, the things that we miss having him here for. His sisters mile stone birthdays, my 50th birthday, future nieces and nephews will never have known Kai. Every time something exciting happens or a big change occurs or even something as simple as buying a new car, I think about how sad it is that he isn’t here for it. He never got to see the basement remodel finished, he would have been in heaven as to how it turned out, he practically lived in our basement. He called it the Death Star, so I dedicated many of the décor items to star wars and to him. Even just changing the paint color of my living room I wonder what Kai would have thought about it. I guess it means he will always be on my mind. Although, I do know one thing for sure, if he were to see the peach color I painted his bedroom in, I think his head would have exploded. But that’s what he gets for leaving me, I got to do what ever I wanted with that room.

I have come to peace with my new normal. I fought hard not to accept it, but here it is. Glad I’m not as angry as I used to be. Very happy hubby and I made it through as many couples that experience this don’t. My daughters are continuing on with their lives and doing well. We talk about Kai all the time, reference something he said or did, mention how Kai would have hated that or that would have been right up Kais alley. We keep him alive in our hearts by always talking about him. Our new normal.

I am a survivor!

I have always thought of myself as a survivor of my life choices. I think most people can look back and think “wow, I can’t believe I survived my childhood and teenage years!” Mostly due to the fact that we made some pretty daring and stupid choices. I think the choices were mainly due to being bored and lack of brains. But of course back then I had the world by the tail and I knew exactly what I was doing the whole time and no one could tell my I was wrong, oh heck no. 

When Kai passed away I completely blamed myself for years. I was being punished for all the bad things I did in my life. I really did feel that way. And it took quite a while with my therapist to convince me otherwise. I still have the tiniest feelings tucked way back in my storage shed that I dig out, blow off the dust, and tell myself if I was a better person this wouldn’t have happened. Then I put the lid back on and tuck it away again. You know, the “if I would haves” and the “I should haves” haunt me every now and then. I know, that changes nothing. I just recently read something that really made me think and I wish I could remember where I read it but it made me realize, wow, that is so true! “There is a reason the rear view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big. Things in the past are so small and insignificant and the future is huge and vast and waiting for you, just keep going forward.” 

I envy those that have faith in God and that all things are for a reason. I’m not a religious person at all but I like the idea that my son is in heaven with his aunt and all the others I love that are gone, they are surrounding him and looking down on his family and protecting us. I like the idea there is a higher power that people look to for guidance and help and that it hopefully helps people make good decisions or go the right direction. No matter what label you put on that higher power, Catholic, Buddhism, Nazarene, or Mother Nature, if it makes people be good people I think it’s great. 

Kai was right, I am healing, I am moving on, and I am doing OK. I don’t want to be, but I am. Like I said before, I never wanted to quit crying over my loss and never wanted the awful feeling in my gut to go away because that meant exactly that, the new normal was happening and I didn’t want to accept it. I will revisit my grief once in a while, on purpose or by accident it floats back to me, I cry, then I pack it away and move on with my new normal. We just had our first family pictures done that won’t have Kai in them. I thought I was ready for it after 5 years but nope, I had to get a good cry out first then I threw my shoulders back and grabbed some tissues and put on my best smile for the new normal family pictures. 

I survived. I survived the day of his passing, I survived his funeral I survived his graduation without him, I survived the last 5 years without him, and I will survive the next years without him. Damn you Kai I don’t want to be a survivor! And I hate my new normal. But worst of all I don’t want you to be right.

But I’m a survivor.