Tag: sadness

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6 Years

April 6 2013. That day has been and will always be the worst day of my life. I couldn’t imagine surviving that day much less 6 years. Kai always said to me “You will be fine without me, Mom. You will be sad at first and then you will heal with time.” Can you imagine having your child tell you that right after telling you they just want to die so the pain will stop, I can’t say how many times he would say that to me. That is why I knew I would bury my son at some point in time. During his lows it was torcher, trying to convince him how much I loved him and didn’t want to live a life without him. Was I being selfish? Heck yeah. I tried every angle I had to keep him. But he just didn’t want to stay.

On that awful day when I was looking for him all around the house, I just knew. I knew exactly what I was looking for, my heart beating out of my chest in panic. As I walk around the outside of the house I was actually looking up at the upstairs windows to see if he was hanging out one of them. I went to the shop to see if he was hanging from the balcony. The garage was my last stop.

My husband offered to tear down the garage and build a new one, or change anything about it so I could bear to be in or around it. He even offered to sell the house and move. The car can’t be backed into the garage to this day. I can’t handle anything that gives me flashbacks, it can even be the silliest things too, stuff that people wouldn’t even notice like Halloween costumes left hanging from a nail that dangled way to perfectly for me to handle. Actually, the thought of tearing down the garage gave me anxiety, the last place I held my son gone forever. Selling the house and leaving the place where his room is, even though it has been completely re-done, was never going to happen either. I still have his little pickup and I drive it around as does his sister. I let a friends daughter drive it around to learn to drive a standard transmission, it gives my heart so much joy to see it pull up front of the house or see it go down the road. He loved that thing.

When a change happened in our lives I feel awful that Kai isn’t here to witness them with us. From buying a new car to changing the paint color in the house. I miss him so much.

6 years without my little boy. Yes Kai, I have gone on but I am not fine.

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THIS IS ME

This is my very first post in my very first blog. Why did I decide to start a blog? After five years of the tragic passing of my 17 year old son Kai, I find myself still grieving and missing him so much. I know there, unfortunately, are so many out there having the same feelings as myself. I decided to share my story and my sadness of this “new normal” in my life as my own way of trying to heal. 

This is me, a 51 year old married mother of three. Our oldest is a 31 year old Princess that we took into our family when she was 17 years old. Not officially adopted but she is definitely ours. Even though I didn’t give birth to her she and I are so much alike it’s scary. My second is my actual first born and the complete opposite of my Princess. Tattoos galore and a septum piercing (thank god that’s it) and has more talent in her left pinky thank I have in my whole body. Sings like an angel, plays piano, can draw like, wow, wrote a book, and loves to shoot her guns. She is my Sunshine. Then there was my baby boy, Kai. Born 5 years after Sunshine when I as 28 years old. My husband and I were not married yet so he was definitely a surprise.

My son my challenge. All we ever want when we have our babies is for them to be happy and healthy. To raise them to be amazing human beings that go forth and conquer the world. Kai was determined to challenge every inch of my desire for the happy child. He had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). In the last three years of his life I knew I would bury my son. I didn’t know when, I just knew that was my future. “I really, really just don’t want to be here any more, mom!” he would say to me over and over. He was so unhappy in his skin, no matter what I said he simply wanted to die. He did try in his best way he knew how to be happy but by the end of the day he was miserable. It still breaks my heart to this day that no matter what I said to him or did for him he was still so unhappy.

I plan to write about my troubled journey with Kai and all the heart ache he and I suffered together along with our family and friends. Kai would always tell me I would eventually be fine once he was gone, that I would heal and move on. I don’t feel near the pain I did five years ago, but I still have pain. I miss so much, I think about what I’m missing out on if he were still alive. We have found our “new normal” since his passing but the hole in my heart will never heal. Maybe I will find others that have suffered as I have or are suffering right now. Perhaps there is a mom out there that is as lost as I was with a child that wants to die or has the same troubles Kai did. Welcome to my life.

This is me.