My Village

There is an old saying “It takes a village to raise a child”. I have a pretty darn good village. In my village we had the police, the prosecuting attorney, high school principal, and many close friends try to help us out with Kai. I’m not sure what others thought as we tried to figure out what was going on with Kai but I’m going to guess they thought of him as spoiled and just a rotten kid. Hubby and I tried all kinds of different ways to deal with Kai. Tough love, had him arrested twice, spent time in juvenile detention. committed him to spend time in a mental hospital for teens, big waste of time and $50,000.00. It is mind boggling how expensive a two week psych stay costs! 

He was failing miserably at school. We were just praying he graduated, if he didn’t graduate what would he do then? The school principal and counselor spent countless hours trying to get Kai through school. I remember one morning Kai refused to go to school. There was no convincing him to go so I texted the principal and here he comes to the house to drag the boy by his shirt collar to school. God Kai hated school. Not just because he struggled with education but he claimed he was bullied at school. I’m not going to deny that probably happened but he had so many friends and was never considered a loner at school. Being called a fag (according to Kai) by upperclassmen really upset me, just because he wasn’t a “redneck” and liked skinny jeans and did fun stuff with his hair. Kai definitely marched to his own tune. All the kids in his class were great to him and he never lacked the company of the girls. Kai preferred to hang out with his friends that were not in school, older kids. Hubby always made it clear to these older friends we would not tolerate them giving him booze, cigarettes, or drugs and if we found out about it we would not hesitate to come down hard on them.

I’m just going to guess, but I feel my village had a big realization that our struggles were real and that they had no idea how truly troubled and inpain Kai was. There was pain and anger in our home 24/7. If we had just one dayof nothing bad or emotional happen it was such a relief. Most days I woke upwith the attitude of “what will it be today”? I still have insomnia to this day. I could never sleep very good knowing he would sneak out or have a bad texting session with a friend or girlfriend and try to hurt himself. If I heard him come down the stairs I would get up to see what he was up to. Never could trust the boy. Well the night of April 5th when I heard him comedown the stairs I made the bad decision to let him be because he was just getting a drink of water or a snack. No, he came down stairs to end his life.The one time I decided to let him be. I will always punish myself for that. But he had such a good day that Friday I just knew he was fine and happy. But instead he was having a texting fight with a girl so he decided to go to the garage and get into the booze in the freezer. The freezer that we normally had locked up, but not this time. Nope, not this time.

Anyway, for me, knowing that I would bury my son one day, my village had a “wow”,“no way”, “I can’t believe it”, or “oh my God” moment on the day he died. All judgments and decisions about Kai all went away because they really had no idea what was going on. Our family and close friends knew more, but not nearly as much as I knew. Hubby was even kept in the dark about a lot of things Kai and I had been through. I felt if I kept all those burdens hubby would be in a better place, he struggled with Kai so much. So our village rallied to do what they could to be there for us. Even the most judgmental of them. I forgave all bad thoughts and feelings of those that just had no idea what was truly happening. But since I’m talking about it it’s obvious it affected me in some way. I still love my village and am very grateful for all it had done for me, and still does for me and my family, people have moved on but they haven’t forgotten.

On the anniversary of his passing everyone still remembers and will always send their prayers our way. I miss him, I miss him so much.

THIS IS ME

This is my very first post in my very first blog. Why did I decide to start a blog? After five years of the tragic passing of my 17 year old son Kai, I find myself still grieving and missing him so much. I know there, unfortunately, are so many out there having the same feelings as myself. I decided to share my story and my sadness of this “new normal” in my life as my own way of trying to heal. 

This is me, a 51 year old married mother of three. Our oldest is a 31 year old Princess that we took into our family when she was 17 years old. Not officially adopted but she is definitely ours. Even though I didn’t give birth to her she and I are so much alike it’s scary. My second is my actual first born and the complete opposite of my Princess. Tattoos galore and a septum piercing (thank god that’s it) and has more talent in her left pinky thank I have in my whole body. Sings like an angel, plays piano, can draw like, wow, wrote a book, and loves to shoot her guns. She is my Sunshine. Then there was my baby boy, Kai. Born 5 years after Sunshine when I as 28 years old. My husband and I were not married yet so he was definitely a surprise.

My son my challenge. All we ever want when we have our babies is for them to be happy and healthy. To raise them to be amazing human beings that go forth and conquer the world. Kai was determined to challenge every inch of my desire for the happy child. He had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). In the last three years of his life I knew I would bury my son. I didn’t know when, I just knew that was my future. “I really, really just don’t want to be here any more, mom!” he would say to me over and over. He was so unhappy in his skin, no matter what I said he simply wanted to die. He did try in his best way he knew how to be happy but by the end of the day he was miserable. It still breaks my heart to this day that no matter what I said to him or did for him he was still so unhappy.

I plan to write about my troubled journey with Kai and all the heart ache he and I suffered together along with our family and friends. Kai would always tell me I would eventually be fine once he was gone, that I would heal and move on. I don’t feel near the pain I did five years ago, but I still have pain. I miss so much, I think about what I’m missing out on if he were still alive. We have found our “new normal” since his passing but the hole in my heart will never heal. Maybe I will find others that have suffered as I have or are suffering right now. Perhaps there is a mom out there that is as lost as I was with a child that wants to die or has the same troubles Kai did. Welcome to my life.

This is me.