This could not be a more appropriate question right now. Why? Why Kai? I asked him this almost every day in the last years. Why are you so sad? Why are you so hateful? Why do you want to die? Why, why, why? I really could go on and on.
Kai, I think, really hated being in this life. He was absolutely miserable. Mostly because of his ODD. He didn’t want to abide by any rules or adult supervision. He wanted to pierce his lip, no, him and a friend did it anyway. Things didn’t work out so well and it lasted an hour or so. He smoked weed to self medicate, no, did it anyway, had cops search his rig and bedroom for all kinds of stuff, never found anything, sneaky little bugger. If we said no, he went and lied or did what ever it took to do it anyway. He was always willing to suffer the consequences rather than ask permission or do the right thing. Kai only knew what he wanted at that very moment in time and did just that. This resulted in us fighting all the time and making him and us miserable.
Kai struggled through school. We had him tested as a Senior and he had the math skills of a 6th grader. Shame on us!! I felt like the worst parent, he really struggled with math comprehension. Lucky for us we are a small enough of a school he could get the special attention of certain school officials to help him get graduated. Our school principal and guidance councilor were especially helpful. They were there for many of our ups and downs, mostly downs. They say it takes a village to raise a family, we had an amazing village. When Kai passed we had so much love and support it blew us away.
“You will be fine mom,” “Everything will be better after a while mom.” I will always repeat him saying this to me. It would hit me so hard, as I begged him to stop saying he wants to die. I haven’t mentioned how many attempts he made to end his life. Four. Why? Because he was so unhappy and miserable and in his mental state he couldn’t see any other way out of his misery than to end his life. That’s why.